My partner wants to leave me. The Art of “Knowing How to Listen” 16-06-2020
By: César A. Fernández
“I think it's time we end our relationship.” “I don't want to continue in this relationship anymore.” “I don't feel like I used to.” “Things are not the same anymore.”
What do we do when we hear from our partner any of these phrases? Everything can be summed up in a single sentence: knowing how to listen.
The first thing is knowing how to listen patiently and attentively to your partner. For most people, talking about their emotions is difficult; that's why it's important to let them express themselves. Give him time to spin his ideas and calmly expose them, allow him to finish all his prayers, pause to think, and remain silent as long as necessary. Don't push yourself to respond to his approaches, even if you feel provoked to refute him or disagree with what he says. Listen and start taking mental notes of the most important points you would like to refer to when it is your turn to speak.
On the other hand, you must know how to listen to the essence of the message that your partner is trying to convey to you with his words. Is he/she really telling you he/she wants to end the relationship? Or maybe he/she's asking you for some time to think? Or are you expressing dissatisfaction in some area of the couple's life; or their desires for some things to be different between you? Maybe he/she is telling you that he/she is emotionally confused and wants to know what you think? The fact that at some point in the conversation the word “breakup” comes out of your mouth does not mean that this is the essence of the message. So do not despair immediately and try to understand what your partner wants to say or ask. Ask all the questions you need to ask to be clear on what message your partner wants to convey to you. You ask, 'Why do you feel that way?', 'Since when do you think this?', 'What do you mean by that?', 'What have I done to make you feel that way?’ or “could you give me an example to understand you better?” can be your best allies to seek to hear clearly the message of your partner.
Now, knowing how to listen to your partner is not the only thing; you must also know how to listen to your own inner world. It's good that you keep an eye out for how you feel while your partner is talking to you. You will likely find that some of the things your partner tells you make you feel hurt, upset, sad, angry, unfair, or untrue. You must be attentive to what you are feeling and try not to react in an instinctive way driven by what you are feeling. Do not be guided by your anger, your wounds, your sadness or your pride when responding to your partner's proposals. Rather, tell them what you felt as they spoke and explain why you felt that way.
It's also good to be able to hear the tone of the conversation as your partner talks to you and as you respond to them. If you understand that the mood is heated, that the conversation has become hostile, that one of the two is very frustrated, or if someone has begun to engage in aggressive behavior, it is a good time to stop and leave the conversation for another time.
If after finishing the conversation with your partner they have decided to give themselves some time to reflect on what is happening in the relationship, we urge you to also maintain a listening attitude during this period. Keep an eye on your inner world: How do you feel after the conversation? How did you react to your partner's words? How do you feel about your partner right now? How do you handle feelings of abandonment? Does any fear haunt you?
It is important that you set some specific date to reconvene and discuss how you have felt. We suggest that during this period you maintain as little communication as possible with your partner. If you want to hear from a friend, family member, counselor, psychologist, or spiritual guide, this is a good time to do it. Within any conversation you have about it, maintain the same listening attitudes already recommended.
If after you have given yourself a while and conversing again about the situation your partner decides to definitively break up with you, then it is time to listen to the desire of his heart and let him go. The only rule to follow in these cases is to know how to accept and let go.
There are many people who find it extremely difficult to let go. Some manifest difficulties in managing sadness, problems with jealousy, deep fears of abandonment, low self-esteem, problems with managing anger, uncontrollable desires for revenge, difficulty in managing frustrations and feelings of helplessness, anxiety and fears about the future, problems with control, or in the worst case difficulty in managing impulses of verbal and physical aggression.
