Pocketing, when your partner hides you 17-11-2020
By: César A. Fernández, M.A.
We call pocketing or concealment of a partner, when an individual avoids by all means presenting the person whom they are dating to their family and friends, refuse to involve him/her in their life with others, keeps him/her away from their intimate circle and completely absent from their social networks. It's as if the relationship they're in didn't exist for the public.
What are the most common reasons for pocketing?
The most feared reason is that the person you are dating has another parallel relationship. Usually this parallel relationship would be the formal the relationship of the person, so it would keep you, their second relationship, away from their intimate circle and their public life.
But this is not the only reason why a person could engage in pocketing. The person may be afraid of commitment, that the relationship will become more serious than they want or for which they are not prepared. Behind this fear of commitment there could often be a fear of abandonment or failure. Perhaps you wonder, what relationship can exist between the fear of commitment and the fear of abandonment or failure? As it turns out, to avoid and protect oneself emotionally from an eventual abandonment or failure of the relationship later on, the person can prevent (often unconsciously) that the relationship become too serious or formal, keeping the partner separated from the rest of their life.
At other times the individual may fear that their friends and family will disapprove of the person they are dating. You may understand that the person you are dating is not going to meet the standards of success and personal qualities your parents would expect from your partner; or that the person you are dating is from a different socioeconomic stratum or belongs to some subgroup of the population that for some reason the rest of the family discriminates (by race, religion, etc.); or you may simply believe that the partner will not like their family or friends for their way of being.
There are also people who want to have a life free of ties and any relationship they have will usually be outside of the rest of their life. These individuals constantly pocket all the people they are with.
It may also be that the person is not genuinely interested in the current relationship and intends only to hang out with you.
If the relationship in question is between two people of the same sex, it may be possible for the individual to engage in pocketing because they are not yet prepared to involve their partner with their relatives. They may still be in the closet, you may fear a possible rejection from their family, or you may still be uncomfortable sharing this part of their life openly with their friends.
It can also be the case that the person does not want to introduce you to their family because for some reason they are ashamed of his family situation. They may have a lower financial position than you, they mother may be very nosy, their father may constantly make inappropriate comments, their brother may be very complicated, or the family dynamics at home may be toxic and they might quarrel frequently. In this context, for fear that you will reject or move away from them, the person might be inclined not to introduce you to their family until they feel that you will accept their context as it is.
Pocketing can occur in both men and women. Those who do it can maneuver it consciously, knowing that they are actively keeping the partner away from their close circle. However, there are people who can show this behavior without clear awareness that they are doing it, let alone why they are doing it. If you ask them why they are pocketing, they may simply respond that they feel they are not ready to take their partner home, or that the time has not yet come for them to do so.
How to recognize that I am facing a case of pocketing?
It is normal that in the first weeks and even months of dating, many people are not yet comfortable introducing this person to their inner circle. It is normal that they want to get to know you well, see if you are someone with whom they share enough things in common to have a meaningful relationship with, and even that they do not want to introduce the person into their intimate circle until they know if it is someone with whom they will be in the long term.
Now, if you already have several months going out with the person, and you still do not know a single friend or family member, it is likely that they are doing pocketing. Other signs that could indicate a possible pocketing are: your partner never makes plans that involve other people; when it is time to meet a family member or friend (e.g. a birthday or family dinner) the person always has an excuse or an explanation of why it is not yet a good time for you to go; they often meet in secluded and not very frequented places; they do not tell you much about the people in their intimate circle; there is no mention or photograph of you on their social networks; when they meet someone they never introduce you to the person as their partner; and you realize that no one in their circle really knows who you are.
Do you think they're pocketing you? Are you pocketing? The most important thing in this whole topic is that you can talk openly with your partner about how you feel. If you are on the side of the person who suffers from pocketing, express to your partner your desire to know their family and why this is important to you, and how it makes you feel to see yourself so far from their circle. If you are the person doing pocketing it is important that you reflect on what are the reasons that are leading you to incur this. Ask yourself if there is any fear to treat, fear of commitment, shame, fear of rejection or negative evaluation, lack of interest, among others.
If you notice any of the signs described, contact us to understand what could be happening in your couple dynamic.
