Do you feel people judge your relationship? 21-09-2020
By: Alejandra Matos
This matter is extremely important especifically with the matter of social networks. We see what people post, comment on, what we see and what we don't see can affect us. It is important to be able to manage the feeling of how our relationship is judging us not only on social networks but around us.
The feeling that we are being judged may come from that feeling that whether we are doing the right thing or not.
Many times we start to think about whether our relationship is moving forward as it should. It is these expectations that we have in our minds that often make us doubt our partner, our relationship, or even our own person.
To work on this topic in depth I invite you to my next workshop "Resilient Relationships: a workshop to create healthy relationships"
The first thing is if people are really evaluating, why are we going to accept those acts of criticism? Everyone has something to say about our relationship, whether they agree or disagree, like or dislike, that they think we should do or not do. The issue is how to accept and take these comments. Here are a few steps to take to review the feedback you receive about your relationship.
- Evaluate the people who are making this comment to you. You can determine whether the person who is submitting this comment is doing so because they have a concern, an observation, or if it is well-intentioned. Not everyone who comments on our relationship has good intentions. In other cases, or maybe he has good intentions, but he is not a person who is a frame of reference with which we can evaluate our life.
- Review the intent behind the comment. What is the intention behind the comment? Is this an attitude of criticism? Is it a desire to control our relationship? Or possibly control our own self? This is very important to evaluate, because there are times when a person, whether from our family, a friendship or whoever, can try to control our relationship, even try to control us. You can do it from a conscious or unconscious process. It's very important to realize that.
- Analyze whether it is a social narrative of what a relationship should be. You have a lot of ideas about how a relationship “should be”: that it has to have a specific title, that it has to last so long before it can move on to a next stage, or that a relationship has to look a certain way. There are also beliefs that if a relationship has been so long and there has been no formal commitment, such as marriage or starting a family, then there is a problem. These social narratives are very harmful, they make us question things that can be good and that is extremely important to write down.
- Decide what you want to do with that comment. Only you can decide what you want to do with that comment. You decide whether you want to include it in your relationship or not. Because you can say, “Hey, thank you so much for the comment. I know it was with very good intention, but it doesn't really apply to my relationship, my goal or what I've talked to my partner about. ” We can set both internal and external boundaries. These can be seen as: “Please don't comment this to me.” We can also comment: “I have this goal with my partner and we have talked about it. These are our limits and our plans and I want to trust that. If at any point I want to change something, I'm going to talk to my partner and process it. ”
What if we're not being evaluated, but we still feel that pressure?
It may happen that we compare ourselves to other couples. That we pay attention when another couple is given certain gifts or messages. We may look at other couples are in a way, and they are already taking other steps in their relationship like getting engaged. And this can create questions about why you're not taking those steps with your partner. So, you start to question whether you're doing things right or not. I invite you to reflect on the following points:
- Not everything that appears on social networks is real. I've worked with people whose relationships seem dreamy, but they have their problems. This does not mean that they are not good relationships, but not everyone shares their difficulties on social networks. It is very difficult to find a person who in a space shares what is happening in their relationship for a lot of topics. It is not advisable to compare your relationship with others because we don't really know what they are going through.
- Evaluate whether there is actually a problem in your relationship. Think about whether that fear or that fear is a questioning that is emerging because you currently have problems within your relationship. Perhaps for a long time within your relationship you have been compromising certain values, goals, or desires in order to accommodate your partner and/or to maintain this perspective of perfect relationship. Also, you may try to maintain the appearance of a stable relationship because you don't want to disappoint the people around you. So, it is important to reflect on the role of this fear, these doubts or resentment that you are experiencing as a possible indication of something that is not right in the relationship.
- own insecurity. Maybe there is nothing wrong with our relationship but it is an insecurity that is activated within our person. This insecurity may feel like it's not being enough. The fear of what they will say, the thought that the relationship must be in a certain way. You may also experience fear of not knowing if you are making the right decision because in the past you made the wrong decisions. There are several themes that could be activated. And although it is a topic that we could talk about with our partner, first it is a topic that we have to work on internally. It is important to take this step before trying to wait for the other person to change or calm our anxiety. A person can support you but will not necessarily heal those wounds, because it is their own work.
It is a job that can be done with many resources, with books, workshops, and above all with an individual job. This can be through coaching or a therapeutic process. You deserve to have healthy relationships, and you deserve to feel that peace and confidence of what you are building with your partner and your life.
If you want to take the first step to a healthier relationship, but you don't know how, I invite you to my next online meeting "Resilient Relationships: a workshop to create healthy relationships".
